Couple of
months back while we were sitting in a family gathering , I asked my daughter
to bring me something from kitchen , which she plainly refused, before I could
have said something an aunty came forward and said, “ Beta, you should at once
listen to your mother.”
“But I’m
eating.” My daughter grumbled
She
proclaimed an amazing idea, “Beta, Allah taala kehte hain ke khane ke doraan
saat martaba baityoon ko uthao.” (Allah taala says that parents should ensure
that a daughter leaves her food to do other little chores at least seven times………….”)
My mouth fell open…….however it continued and
my daughter asked, “What about sons?”
“Sons have
lots of jobs to see outdoors so it’s not their responsibility, but its sisters’
duty to take care of their brothers ‘things too!”
I got the
second blow, way before recovering from the first one. It was quite an effort to restrain myself from
any outburst but I was shocked to know that people still think this way.
It’s utterly
outrageous and blasphemy to relate our personal, regional or cultural
notions to Allah and Rasool (Peace be upon him).
Even in these days we find a
lot of dadi, nani and moms who believe in pampering their sons to the extent of
providing them with whatever they need, wherever they are. Well, it’s not with
sons only we have a general tendency of facilitating the lives of our kids
either it’s a son or daughter. When it is right time to instill independence by
letting kids do their own little tasks besides encouraging them to help out
their parents, mothers and other adults in the family do almost everything for
the children. Things are done for them instead of helping them to do things
themselves, till the day when suddenly moms realize that their daughters are
mature enough to lend them a helping hand in household. Now it’s a hard task to
break the inertia which has seeped deep into the bones through laziness, over
the years of resting and relaxing. And when young girls in their pre or early
teens totally refuse to work or grumble or give excuses, they are mercilessly
labeled as ‘sust’ ‘kahil’ and ‘kam chor’ evidently by their own moms and dadis
who have played a vital role in developing the very habits.
On the other
hand sons have no such social pressure, so almost in every family we find males
ordering mothers, sisters, wives and daughters to do things for them.
·
Bring me food
·
Bring me water
·
Take the dishes away
·
Where are my shoes?
·
Polish them
·
Iron my clothes, etc.
Above are
few of the thousands of examples which we face every day. And society trains
and expects females to listen to these cries as religious calls. It’s not a
dilemma of uneducated lower cadre of society; it’s deeply rooted in each and
every stratum. I have witnessed pregnant ladies, almost at the verge of
delivery carrying loaded trays of food. I’m not an extreme feminist and I
myself used to do household work till the last moment but regular chores is
different than the loads of work a lady is doing while family get together
specially when one is not feeling well. Once, one of above mentioned ladies,
finally seated after bringing the last thing required, someone announced, water
is finished, there was no house helper in the sight to bring it to the table
while everyone was patiently expectant for some miracle to happen but when it
didn’t come into being, the lady said, “ ok, I’ll bring.” Just then her old mom
in law replied, “You eat, I’ll bring.” I was totally disgusted with the scene,
it was not that I felt anger against men witnessing the scene without
volunteering to help, not to a stranger but to their own wife and mother and
task was not attaining impossible but to go to kitchen to fill a jug with
water, I felt enraged against the so called, superficial norms of our society,
I felt angry with the people who ridicule those men who try to help out with
household chores; with sisters who turn
their brothers into laughing stock when they carry their babies, tend to them
and feed them; with moms who pamper their sons’ whims to the extent that they
feel it a shame to lend any hand in the work. And then we have names to make
fun of those who decide not to abide by these creepy criteria…. ‘Ye to biwi ke
neecha laga hua hai’, ‘joru ka ghulam’, ‘bhuddo’ etc. Surprisingly no one asks these critics that
what is their basis for such an ugly criticism? It is a shame to be heartless, not
to be caring and compassionate. Whether the load is emotional or physical,
sharing is caring. Bringing a cup of tea to your wife after a party won’t
demean your manhood; it only strengthens your relation.
The Rasulullah (SAW), said; "When Allah
wills some good towards the people of a household. He introduces kindness. He
also said: "Allah loves kindness and rewards it in such a way the He does
not reward for harshness or for anything else." (Muslim). There are many
examples of the Rasulullah (SAW)'s kindness and good treatment toward his
family that we should try to emulate. He was affectionate and playful with his
wives and children and would help with household chores to ease the burden for
his wives. Following his example will bring tranquility to the home and help to
truly make it an abode of rest.
And then we
have this courage to come up with self invented religious myths to support our idiosyncrasies.
It is claimed that Allah has divided roles among men and women, since men are
busy working outdoors, exhausting their energies to earn for their family, it
falls on women’s shoulders to run her home smoothly without giving her husband
a second’s trouble regarding any household chore. If a lady has maids to help
her with chores then it’s a stigma to expect any sort of help from her husband.
Hazrat Aisha (May
Allah be pleased with her) was asked about the manners of the Prophet in his
home? She replied: He was helping in doing the family duties and when he hears
the call of prayer he goes out.
(Narrated
by: Aisha – Degree: Right – the narrator: Al-Bukhari – The Source: Al-Jame’
Al-Sahih – Page or number: 5363)
At another place she
replied: He washes his clothes, milks his ewe, and serves himself.
(Narrated
by: Aisha – Degree: Right – the narrator: Al-Albani– The Source: Sahih Al-Jame’
– Page or number: 4996)
She said also: he sew
his clothes, cleans his shoes and does what men generally do in their homes.
(Narrated
by: Aisha – Degree: Right – the narrator: Al-Albani – The Source: Sahih
Al-Jame’ – Page or number: 4937)
Who can be more busy than our beloved
Prophet (peace be upon him) who was engaged in establishing the state of
Madinah Munawwara; handling the flocks of muhajireen who were joining him
there, teaching and training the believers to lay the foundation for Islamic
teachings besides dealing with munafiqeen’s treachery, jews’s duplicity and
Mushrikeen’s constant and utmost efforts to uproot Islam and Muslims.
It is not demeaning if the husband shares
in the responsibility of house matters. It’s an honor that Allah has enabled
him to follow the Sunnah.
Unfortunately, this Sunnah is long
forgotten and shamefully turns into a taboo because of unjust social pressures,
false interpretations, cultural manipulations and lack of true Islamic spirits.
Keeping, helping and sharing aside, it’s a
task to expect a man do his own tasks from getting a glass of water to put his
clothes away. He would prefer to stay hungry instead of filling his plate and
microwave it.
·
Let
kids (daughters as well as sons) help you with household work even if you have
helpers to assist you.
·
Strictly
avoid labeling tasks as ‘boys can do this’ ‘girls can do that’ when your kids
are toddlers.
·
Raise
independent kids by not doing their little tasks but by directing them to
attempt themselves.
·
It’s
Sunnah to do your work with your own hands and you can find so many incidents
from the life of Hazrat Muhammad (peace be upon him) from helping his family to
ease the work load to doing his own work with his hands. Inspire your children
to follow the prophet’s footsteps.
·
Generously
appreciate when you find or listen about someone who helps out his wife with
kids or chores.
Click Here to read 'how to engage kids in household work' :)
We don’t have a key to undo the past mess but we can Insha’Allah look forward to a pleasant future!
Loads of thanks for reading :)
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