thebeTTerME: I loVvve my Cell ... ( Part one )

thebeTTerME: I loVvve my Cell ... ( Part one ): I never knew the feeling of  having a smart phone till I got one from my hubby on my last birthday. It felt like holding a magic wand i...

Our Prophet(Peace be upon him)can work but not our sons?

Couple of months back while we were sitting in a family gathering , I asked my daughter to bring me something from kitchen , which she plainly refused, before I could have said something an aunty came forward and said, “ Beta, you should at once listen to your mother.”

“But I’m eating.” My daughter grumbled

She proclaimed an amazing idea, “Beta, Allah taala kehte hain ke khane ke doraan saat martaba baityoon ko uthao.” (Allah taala says that parents should ensure that a daughter leaves her food to do other little chores  at least seven times………….”)

 My mouth fell open…….however it continued and my daughter asked, “What about sons?”

“Sons have lots of jobs to see outdoors so it’s not their responsibility, but its sisters’ duty to take care of their brothers ‘things too!”

I got the second blow, way before recovering from the first one.  It was quite an effort to restrain myself from any outburst but I was shocked to know that people still think this way.

It’s utterly outrageous and  blasphemy to relate our personal, regional or cultural notions to Allah and Rasool (Peace be upon him). 

Even in these days we find a lot of dadi, nani and moms who believe in pampering their sons to the extent of providing them with whatever they need, wherever they are. Well, it’s not with sons only we have a general tendency of facilitating the lives of our kids either it’s a son or daughter. When it is right time to instill independence by letting kids do their own little tasks besides encouraging them to help out their parents, mothers and other adults in the family do almost everything for the children. Things are done for them instead of helping them to do things themselves, till the day when suddenly moms realize that their daughters are mature enough to lend them a helping hand in household. Now it’s a hard task to break the inertia which has seeped deep into the bones through laziness, over the years of resting and relaxing. And when young girls in their pre or early teens totally refuse to work or grumble or give excuses, they are mercilessly labeled as ‘sust’ ‘kahil’ and ‘kam chor’ evidently by their own moms and dadis who have played a vital role in developing the very habits.

On the other hand sons have no such social pressure, so almost in every family we find males ordering mothers, sisters, wives and daughters to do things for them.

·        Bring me food

·        Bring  me water

·        Take the dishes away

·        Where are my shoes?

·        Polish them

·        Iron my clothes, etc.

Above are few of the thousands of examples which we face every day. And society trains and expects females to listen to these cries as religious calls. It’s not a dilemma of uneducated lower cadre of society; it’s deeply rooted in each and every stratum. I have witnessed pregnant ladies, almost at the verge of delivery carrying loaded trays of food. I’m not an extreme feminist and I myself used to do household work till the last moment but regular chores is different than the loads of work a lady is doing while family get together specially when one is not feeling well. Once, one of above mentioned ladies, finally seated after bringing the last thing required, someone announced, water is finished, there was no house helper in the sight to bring it to the table while everyone was patiently expectant for some miracle to happen but when it didn’t come into being, the lady said, “ ok, I’ll bring.” Just then her old mom in law replied, “You eat, I’ll bring.” I was totally disgusted with the scene, it was not that I felt anger against men witnessing the scene without volunteering to help, not to a stranger but to their own wife and mother and task was not attaining impossible but to go to kitchen to fill a jug with water, I felt enraged against the so called, superficial norms of our society, I felt angry with the people who ridicule those men who try to help out with household chores;  with sisters who turn their brothers into laughing stock when they carry their babies, tend to them and feed them; with moms who pamper their sons’ whims to the extent that they feel it a shame to lend any hand in the work. And then we have names to make fun of those who decide not to abide by these creepy criteria…. ‘Ye to biwi ke neecha laga hua hai’, ‘joru ka ghulam’, ‘bhuddo’   etc. Surprisingly no one asks these critics that what is their basis for such an ugly criticism? It is a shame to be heartless, not to be caring and compassionate. Whether the load is emotional or physical, sharing is caring. Bringing a cup of tea to your wife after a party won’t demean your manhood; it only strengthens your relation.

The Rasulullah (SAW), said; "When Allah wills some good towards the people of a household. He introduces kindness. He also said: "Allah loves kindness and rewards it in such a way the He does not reward for harshness or for anything else." (Muslim). There are many examples of the Rasulullah (SAW)'s kindness and good treatment toward his family that we should try to emulate. He was affectionate and playful with his wives and children and would help with household chores to ease the burden for his wives. Following his example will bring tranquility to the home and help to truly make it an abode of rest.   

And then we have this courage to come up with self invented religious myths to support our idiosyncrasies. It is claimed that Allah has divided roles among men and women, since men are busy working outdoors, exhausting their energies to earn for their family, it falls on women’s shoulders to run her home smoothly without giving her husband a second’s trouble regarding any household chore. If a lady has maids to help her with chores then it’s a stigma to expect any sort of help from her husband.

Hazrat Aisha (May Allah be pleased with her) was asked about the manners of the Prophet in his home? She replied: He was helping in doing the family duties and when he hears the call of prayer he goes out.

(Narrated by: Aisha – Degree: Right – the narrator: Al-Bukhari – The Source: Al-Jame’ Al-Sahih – Page or number: 5363)

At another place she replied: He washes his clothes, milks his ewe, and serves himself.

(Narrated by: Aisha – Degree: Right – the narrator: Al-Albani– The Source: Sahih Al-Jame’ – Page or number: 4996)

She said also: he sew his clothes, cleans his shoes and does what men generally do in their homes.

(Narrated by: Aisha – Degree: Right – the narrator: Al-Albani – The Source: Sahih Al-Jame’ – Page or number: 4937)

Who can be more busy than our beloved Prophet (peace be upon him) who was engaged in establishing the state of Madinah Munawwara; handling the flocks of muhajireen who were joining him there, teaching and training the believers to lay the foundation for Islamic teachings besides dealing with munafiqeen’s treachery, jews’s duplicity and Mushrikeen’s constant and utmost efforts to uproot Islam and Muslims.

It is not demeaning if the husband shares in the responsibility of house matters. It’s an honor that Allah has enabled him to follow the Sunnah.

Unfortunately, this Sunnah is long forgotten and shamefully turns into a taboo because of unjust social pressures, false interpretations, cultural manipulations and lack of true Islamic spirits.

  Keeping, helping and sharing aside, it’s a task to expect a man do his own tasks from getting a glass of water to put his clothes away. He would prefer to stay hungry instead of filling his plate and microwave it.

·         Let kids (daughters as well as sons) help you with household work even if you have helpers to assist you.

·         Strictly avoid labeling tasks as ‘boys can do this’ ‘girls can do that’ when your kids are toddlers.

·         Raise independent kids by not doing their little tasks but by directing them to attempt themselves.

·         It’s Sunnah to do your work with your own hands and you can find so many incidents from the life of Hazrat Muhammad (peace be upon him) from helping his family to ease the work load to doing his own work with his hands. Inspire your children to follow the prophet’s footsteps.

·         Generously appreciate when you find or listen about someone who helps out his wife with kids or chores.

Click Here to read 'how to engage kids in household work' :)

We don’t have a key to undo the past mess but we can Insha’Allah look forward to a pleasant future!

Loads of thanks for reading :)

Wishing you a wonderful day !

Do share your thoughts with in 'comments' below :)

I would love to read your words :)

Take a moment to like my facebook page :)



thebeTTerME



Heavy lies the head that wears a crown!!!

It’s fifteenth of January and end of a wonderful journey which I started on first of December with an aim of “How to be a better Mom in 31 days”! I’m fifteen days late than my due date. I was quite upset in the beginning and I tried to put all my efforts to complete it on time but then I realized that I couldn’t possibly go against the values which I’m preaching to others! I realized the importance of preferences!

 I wrote what I deeply felt and I sincerely tried to practice what I wrote. I got frustrated almost every other day. I thought it was a useless activity and neither my kids can change nor can I. But things were working, unseeingly, unconsciously, unobviously! My commitment to my readers enables me to guard my own acts towards my kids! I learnt to be patient and persistent and realize that growth is a process. I tried to listen to my kids simply to listen not to respond with an answer.

I realized that I cannot raise calm kids with my rising voice. I came to know the importance of compassion which I realized is most effective way but at the same time most difficult to practice. Sometimes you feel so frustrated that you simply refuse to relate! I realized that patience is the best parenting aid which can do miracles! I learnt the importance of persistence! Whether it’s you or your child, being persistent is the key to achievement!

Parenting is in every aspect a great responsibility! Being a parent we must remember that heavy lies the head that wears a crown! Parenting is not an easy way; it’s a roadway to untimely callings and all time commitments! It’s not only an eager heart which you need but a really strong mind as well to keep on moving!

 How to be a better Mom in 31 days!

Day One; COMPASSION
Day two; Be Prepared
Day three; Be there!
Day Four; Watch your Expectations!
Day Five; Let's bake some cupcakes!
Day Six; Five minutes means five minutes!
Day Seven; Weekend Fun!
Day Eight; How to help your kids to keep their room tidy!
Day Nine; Let's arrange your kids' closet!
Day Ten; Please don't embarrasse Mama :(
Day Eleven; Be a Proactive Mom!
Day Twelve; Engage your kids in household work!
Day Thirteen; Let's decorate some cupcakes!
Day Fourteen; Listen to them!
Day Fifteen; Be Patient!
Day Sixteen; Inspire your child to dream!
Day Seventeen; Give them books :)
Day Eighteen; Give values to your kids!
Day Nineteen; Let's be grateful to our kids for being there!
Day Twenty; Pamper your child :)
Day Twenty-One; Be a Happy Mom :)
Day Twenty-two; 'Our kids are for different times.'
Day Twenty-three; Hugs and Kisses :)
Day Twenty-four; Be the first and the best friend of your child :)
Day Twenty-five; Parenting is about growth!
Day Twenty-six; Enjoy your child!
Day Twenty-seven; Keep on moving; your efforts will be rewarded!
Day Twenty-eight; Routines are life savers!
Twenty-nine; Connect your kids!
Day Thirty; You are the best Mom :)
Day Thirty-one Heavy lies the head that wears a crown !

Loads of thanks for reading :)

Wishing you a wonderful day !

Do share your thoughts with us in 'comments' below :)

I would love to read your words :)

Take a moment to like our facebook page :)



thebeTTerME



You are the best Mom!

Yes, you are the best Mom in the entire world for your kids! There is no one in entire world who can understand your child better than you! No one who can hold these muddy hands the way you do! No one who can wipe this runny nose with a smiling face but you! No one who can listen to these endless tales except you! It’s you who can spend hours and hours in some inessential art projects every other week! It’s you who has stamina to tend a sick child at night after a long and tiring day! It’s you and only you who can do all of it and much more!   At times you may feel that you cannot cope with parenting stress, still no one, no matter how close to you he or she is can bear it for you the way you can and you do! It’s your path, it’s your journey and you have to walk through it! No one can tread it better than you! There are situations which may lead you to the road of stress, depress and regress. You may lose the direction but you cannot lose your path because you are a mom and your motherhood is your strength!

It’s you and only you who can do all of it and much more! You do feel tired and you do complain but you never want to cast them aside! You may be intolerant and you may be rude, you may lack patience and you may lose composure but you can never lose love you feel for your child!

It’s your household, your very own little kingdom, your sanctuary, your refuge, your little world! No one can cherish it the way you do and no one can run it the way you can!

Sometimes it’s really surprising to see the way people come out with ideas and suggestions regarding your parenting. It’s always good to listen to good advice but sometimes such situations are more tormenting than soothing. Don’t be intimidated! Be confident about your parenting pattern with an ear shut to unnecessary remarks, tips and tools and eagerly open to compassionate suggestions!  

It’s you who can create a difference in your child’s life. Your time, love, compassion and passion for your child can do miracles! 

So, be happy and be proud because…. You are the best mom!!!

How to be a better Mom in 31 days!

Day One; COMPASSION
Day two; Be Prepared
Day three; Be there!
Day Four; Watch your Expectations!
Day Five; Let's bake some cupcakes!
Day Six; Five minutes means five minutes!
Day Seven; Weekend Fun!
Day Eight; How to help your kids to keep their room tidy!
Day Nine; Let's arrange your kids' closet!
Day Ten; Please don't embarrasse Mama :(
Day Eleven; Be a Proactive Mom!
Day Twelve; Engage your kids in household work!
Day Thirteen; Let's decorate some cupcakes!
Day Fourteen; Listen to them!
Day Fifteen; Be Patient!
Day Sixteen; Inspire your child to dream!
Day Seventeen; Give them books :)
Day Eighteen; Give values to your kids!
Day Nineteen; Let's be grateful to our kids for being there!
Day Twenty; Pamper your child :)
Day Twenty-One; Be a Happy Mom :)
Day Twenty-two; 'Our kids are for different times.'
Day Twenty-three; Hugs and Kisses :)
Day Twenty-four; Be the first and the best friend of your child :)
Day Twenty-five; Parenting is about growth!
Day Twenty-six; Enjoy your child!
Day Twenty-seven; Keep on moving; your efforts will be rewarded!
Day Twenty-eight; Routines are life savers!
Twenty-nine; Connect your kids!
Day Thirty; You are the best Mom :)
Day Thirty-one Heavy lies the head that wears a crown !

Loads of thanks for reading :)

Wishing you a wonderful day !

Do share your thoughts with us in 'comments' below :)

I would love to read your words :)

Take a moment to like our facebook page :)



thebeTTerME



Connect your kids!

Being Mom it’s our responsibility to facilitate love, care and compassion among our kids. I know some parents who on perceiving the first signal of argument start hovering like a bee. Their first and last option is to separate them, disengage them to avoid any further fights without least notion that they are interrupting a process, nipping the tender plant of companionship without giving it a chance to grow into a strong, deeply rooted and well founded relation!

I’m not suggesting that don’t interrupt even their screams reach high till sky. I have three kids Alhamdulillah and a perfect idea how well they manage to let us go crazy. But separating them is not the solution! Whatever you would do, from buying them identical toys to separate play areas, they will quarrel. Each time you put all of your efforts in eliminating every reason and all the causes which may lead to their fist fighting and tongue twisting, they manage to devise a new one J So what are you supposed to do?

·         Nothing is more natural than sibling’s rivalry, accept it!

·         Bonding starts from early days. Facilitate combine games and play times.

·         Frequently tell them how important they are for each other. Try your best to develop trust and reliance upon each other, among your kids.

·         Your little words of reassurance can create a big difference. Keep reminding your kids either together or alone that ‘no matter how much they fight, they will always be each other’s best friend.’

·         Be totally impartial and never ever takes sides of either party. Nothing can flare up negative feelings in kids than sibling comparisons.

·         Give them time to solve issues at their own, only plunge in when you think that things are getting out of control.

·         Never rebuke your child in presence of her sibling.

·         It’s natural whenever kids play, the dominating one tries to take advantage of her weaker siblings. I know very well that how annoying it is but hold yourself from interrupting or passing any comments as long as they are having fun. You won’t like to strengthen your one child at the cost of other. Instead of improving things you will make them conscious, uncomfortable and distant from each other. Its better if you use other occasions to develop leadership skills in your less strong child, encourage his independent thinking and decision making.

·         Siblings have common interests too, apart from individual likes and dislikes. They may like to play ‘make belief’ games together or do art work or simply build houses with mattresses and pillows. Facilitate their mutual playing even if they end in fighting.

·         The more time siblings spend together, more connected they will be as adults, insha AllahJ

Let your kids live their days. They will fight; they will scream but eventually end up in being a team! Their arguments will enable them to reach a settlement, their fights will tell them to value peaceful playing, and their teasing will create memories to cherish!

Routines are life savers!

Why do I love routine so much? Well I used to be quite free spirited and out of order sort of person. Luckily with the onset of mommy hood where I received lots of misguided ideas, I got one that was life saving and it is, “Routine is life saver!” If you ask me the best parenting tool I can offer you that is ‘routine’ which I've tried and tested for ten years! It is my sole bridge to sanity when by the end of the day I exhaust all of my mental and physical faculties. Here I’ll quote the exact words from ‘The Toddler Book’ by Sharon Maxwell Magnus and Margaret McAllister:

“Toddlers are not old enough to create their own rituals or understand why some things can be varied but others can’t. Routine helps them to make sense of a world that is largely out of their control, and gives them a feeling of security. This doesn’t mean that every day has to be the same- there just need to be a set time and a set way of doing things such as getting up, going to bed and having meals. (And doing school work, this is my addition :)

You can be more flexible at weekends – then your child will learn the difference between the frantic get-up-and-go of weekday mornings and the relaxation of weekends. But it’s still good to have some anchors at the weekend, such as Sunday lunch and a regular bedtime. (In KSA we can replace Sunday with Saturday and lunch with dinner as most of us prefers to have Saturday brunch.)”

Whether it’s a toddler or a teen, everyone needs a routine! My kids are those ever active, sleep free, lot of chipmunks who get fresher with the onset of night. All the issues are resolved, all the problems get solved and all the rivalries are settled! The only fact which makes them to change into pajamas and get settled in beds is unconscious respect for the routine which they’ve been following since their first year.

Either its bedtime or nap time, study time or play time, routine facilitates things for parents as well as child. Making sure your child has a set routine helps her as she grows up and makes life easier for you, too!

Keep on moving, your efforts will be rewarded!

We can’t help being frustrated when we see that all the efforts, energy and time we are spending on kids is apparently going in vain. They are entirely different from the way we are trying them to be! We feel angry over behavior issues, etiquette problems, study time tantrums, and dress up dramas! I know how torturing it is to listen to ‘No’ every time you say something! How trying it is when after all the efforts you put in your kids project but when you miss a single one, you are told that, “you never do anything.” It’s seriously depressing for a mom to hear from her child even knowing that he doesn’t mean it that, “You are a bad mom!”

It doesn’t matter how much efforts you put to set a routine but still it’s a daily struggle to make your kids follow it.

 This scenario seems not at all promising but it has a glittered, sliver lining around it! Your kids may be over ruling all the rulings but don't let it dampen your spirits! Their brains are registering, their hearts are absorbing whatever their eyes are seeing and ears are hearing. It's not getting scattered in air, it’s getting settled in their personalities!

If we peek into our childhood, all of us have some memories of repeatedly ignoring what our parents were continuously emphasizing. But It's simply amazing to see that those things we so despise as a child have become a permanent pat of our personalities!

 So keep on repeating little reminders to your kids, politely, passionately and compassionately! They may seem not responding but they are absorbing all the details whether it’s about etiquettes or values. Wait and you will get the best of responses once your child will be response-able or responsible!

 Be patient! Keep on training your kids, continue being their guiding star, their beacon house! Believe me your efforts will be rewarded insha Allah!