thebeTTerME: Listen to them :)

I will hit him; he is such a bad boy.” My son banged the door and shouted.

“Who?”

“My friend, I won’t open the door if he comes to our place. He is always not listening to me and I always listen to him. I wanted him to hide“ in the corner and he says he is afraid because its dark. He is not my friend anymore.”

“This is not right sweety, he is such a good friend of yours and if he …………..we should understand others limits……..friendship is……………………………………………………………………….. And there were so many more sentences that even I myself have forgotten them now…. And what happened… my son shouted at the top of his voice, “You never listen, he is a bad boy, bad boy, and bad boy!!! And ran towards his father.

It was not that day’s story, it happens almost every other day. Somehow I’m so obsessed with guiding and correcting my kids and telling them right and wrong that it’s almost impossible for me to hold my tongue.

It happens with all of us that some of the best people we know may hurts us. We feel frustrated and betrayed and crave for a vent to give an outlet to our feelings. We want an ear to listen to us, a heart to relate to us! How many of us would like to be interrupted with phrases, “Look, you are misunderstanding the situation.” “I don’t agree with you; let me give you a better option.” “She is such a nice lady, you may be mistaken.” Well, well, it’s enough! We feel like shouting! “I know she is a nice person but if that nice person has done something wrong to me and I’m not lying.”

The moral therapy, soothing suggestions and positive excuses make us feel frustrated. We are hurt, our expectations are shattered and we simply want to share this, we don’t want any suggestions or ideas to handle the situation, we don’t want to know how really good the other person is and how we are misunderstanding her. Rather such comments flare us up. We want a listener not a moralist who leaves us with guilt pangs. We feel better and lighter after uninterrupted sharing. It offers us a catharsis, helps us to analyze the situation. It’s a way of thinking out loud!

So why we want to put a full stop when our child wants to share something with us. She needs her mom at this moment when she is in distress not a moralist who is eager to condemn her actions, empathizing with her opponent instead of her.

I totally agree with you that we cannot forget our responsibility of being a parent. We cannot let our child cling to the negative notions. We have to guide him and show him the difference between right and wrong. You are right, but this is not the right time to do character building when your child is frustrated, flared up and angry. Let him give a way out to all of his anger and aggression! Hold his hand; try to relate to the situation. Show your understanding with short expressions, “Awww, so sad.” “Really!” “Oh!” etc.

Once things are settled and she is back in her good spirits, then focus on ‘directing’! Choose a time when both of you are calm. I prefer bed time or hugs time when you lie on couch holding your kid close to you. With her emotions under control, tummy full, body relaxed she will be able to focus in a better way on whatever you want to tell her regarding the situation!

Listening is a skill which takes patience to be learnt!

For listening you need to listen!

You need to listen with open mind without any preconceived notions!

Try to understand others point of view!

Don’t try to answer back or justify any thing or any action!

Be there!

Be compassionate; try to understand the problem from your child’s point of view!